Coming Out At Work: How Companies Drive LGBT+ Inclusion
I grew up in a don’t ask, don’t tell family. It wasn’t because they hated gay people. I genuinely believe they thought that love just wasn’t something you talk about at work. Especially because their work took them to military bases every day where that was a policy, not preference.
My military Mom worked in a world where the policy was Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell. She didn’t see why talking about being gay at work was necessary. As a kid I was told that who I liked “didn’t matter.” When I was old enough to head into an office, the policy didn’t really change. “You shouldn’t be talking about that at work,” they suggested any time I tried to talk to them about coming out at work.
The thing is, it was never “talking about being gay.” It was not being able to talk about my partner. It was not having the same benefits after we got married. It was listening to everyone talk about their weekend and feeling like I just shouldn’t. It was having my person misgendered constantly as I tried to just talk about a conversation we had while brushing our teeth.
The Unspoken Consequence Of A Don’t Ask Don’t Tell Culture
As I’m diving into the last 100 years of social trends to see how big changes in the world influence job posting requirements for the book, it’s fascinating to me just how influential corporations are on policy. I guess I always had the perception that policy began big waves of workplace change, but the reality is that it’s the other way around.
I was giving policy way too much credit. Henry Ford created the first 5 day work week trend, not the Department of Labor. Employers were offering same sex benefits before the repeal of Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell and the recognition of gay marriage.
While writing a policy today in your workplace might not be the beginning of mass transformation in our society, I do think we undervalue a corporation’s influence on how the world works. We can do so much to change how people function in this world – as individuals at work, people who belong to families, and community leaders. We can do so much to set a precedent that later becomes law.
Coming Out At Work: Show, Don’t Tell Me.
However, I think a lot of companies *say* they want to influence local communities but very few do the part where they actually do it. You know, invest in the change. Do more than needed to meet some lower than low standard that is not real but pressures them into not being assholes. Sorry, had to get that out. Reading too many frustrating headlines. Anyway…
If organizations want to support queer people at work and set the tone for a culture, it’s a show vs tell moment. This Pride, I want to see more companies investing in what matters. Here are a few ways to do that.
Tell: We support the LGBT community.
Show: Who are you supporting? This is a complex, layered, and growing community. In what ways? It better be more than giving gay people jobs at your company. Talk about the causes that mean the most to you. What do you want to change about how they experience this world?
Tell: Tell us your preferred pronouns.
Show: Add pronouns when you introduce people during the interview process. Ask people to tell you how to refer to them. Provide pronoun education. (Looking for pronoun education? I speak on this topic. Let’s talk!)
Tell: We offer same-sex parent benefits.
Show: Get detailed. Talk about time off and work from home options. Think bigger. Queer people need benefits beyond the ones for parenting.
Tell: We have an inclusive workplace!
Show: This one doesn’t go on your website or in a bulleted list of benefits. Do the work to make that true and real for everyone. Saying you’re open and accepting, then hiring people into a place that’s lying to them is way worse than saying nothing at all.
Want A Pride Month Speaker?
Building a culture of belonging begins with education. If you’re looking for a Pride speaker on allyship and belonging, I’m your person.
It’s a real gift to have the opportunity today to lead conversations at companies that help them go from don’t ask, don’t tell to “be you” and “speak your truth.” I teach people how to be allies and show up the way they want to for the people they adore at work. I teach people how to be better to each other – at work, in their community, and with everyone else.
I still have a few dates open this June and would love to fill them with people who understand just how important this conversation is – especially this year. You can book a meeting here or email help@threeearsmedia.com to get more information.
If you don’t have a budget and you’re looking for resources, download my free Pronoun guide or our LGBT+ ERG calendar.
Kat Kibben View All →
Kat Kibben [they/them] is a keynote speaker, writing expert, and LGBTQIA+ advocate who teaches hiring teams how to write inclusive job postings that will get the right person to apply faster.
Before founding Three Ears Media, Katrina was a CMO, Technical Copywriter, and Managing Editor for leading companies like Monster, Care.com, and Randstad Worldwide. With 15+ years of recruitment marketing and training experience, Katrina knows how to turn talented recruiting teams into talented writers who write for people, not about work.
Today, Katrina is frequently featured as an HR and recruiting expert in publications like The New York Times, Chicago Tribune, and Forbes. They’ve been named to numerous lists, including LinkedIn’s Top Voices in Job Search & Careers. When not speaking, writing, or training, you’ll find Katrina traveling the country in their van or spending some much needed downtime with the dogs that inspired the name Three Ears Media.