A few weeks ago during the Q&A portion of my pronoun presentation, someone from the back of the room asked a contextual question as a manager. “Let’s say I was managing two people,” they said. “What do you say if one tells you they just don’t believe in pronouns? What if it’s against their religion?” From stage, I rambled through an HR type answer. I’m still thinking about it a few weeks later. 

This question has become a political topic and the conversation is happening in the workplace. With the 2024 elections just months away, it’s inevitable that difficult issues will come up – at home and at work. Every day there’s a new headline or controversial bill.

Managers are going to have to manage people with opposing views. Most of whom are not taught how to lead people, let alone navigating conversations that can make or break relationships. I can almost promise every manager is going to be doing a lot of unnecessary paperwork if they don’t start to master – and teach – this skill now.

Navigating Difficult Conversations At Work

I’ve been in one too many of these “awkward AF” moments where someone says they “don’t believe in” a DEI concept. So much so that I sought out podcasts and books about becoming a better communicator during hard conversations. For me, I can’t just click “end meeting” or walk off stage if someone asks a hard question. This is a skill I need, too.

Many of these researchers did simple studies where they brought people with two different views to the table to have a conversation. I observed two trends that I now apply to all my hard conversations. The first is that in almost every one of these scenarios, asking questions and follow-up questions that illustrated understanding improved outcomes. There’s no model to how the question is asked, just simply that you ask and listen to the answer.

My second takeaway is that you have to prepare for a conversation to go well. That does not mean investigating the legitimacy of two different political opinions, the business case for DEI, or documenting the incident. That means preparing the questions, setting expectations, and communicating values.

What You Need To Do Before November

It means defining respect. I asked my smart friends – managers, leaders, and DEI practitioners – on LinkedIn (let’s connect) how they would handle a conversation like this and it all came back to respect. You can see all their answers here.

While I don’t think there’s a one-time, one-size-fits-all script for hard conversations, I do think progress requires defining the behaviors we want to see. Understanding how this isn’t aligned with company values. Let’s take pronouns, for example. Person 1 says they don’t agree with pronouns besides he/she. Person 2 uses they/them pronouns and is getting misgendered.

The conversation to have isn’t actually about pronouns. It’s about the behavior – misgendering – and the values – respect. If I’m leading those folks, I’d say something along the lines of: “On my team, respectful behavior means using the correct names and pronouns for each other. It is disrespectful not to refer to someone correctly when they’ve told you how to refer to them.”

Managing People During The 2024 Election

I don’t envy managers or recruiters who will have to navigate polarizing candidates and difficult conversations at work. It adds more complexity to the already difficult process of hiring the right person. You can’t automate understanding. You can build it with training.

If you’re interested in training this year during June, or any time of the year, book a meeting here. I’m offering two presentations about what could be hard conversations at work this year.

The first is a session on pronouns and belonging. I start at helping us all understand why pronouns matter. I’ll cover everything from “what is a pronoun” to that moment when your colleague says, “hey is that a boy or a girl?” I’m proud to say this session has helped over 10,000 people understand pronouns. I’m looking forward to growing that number this year.

The second is called Intergenerational Allyship for LGBT+ At Work. It talks about the nuances of coming out in a multi-generational workforce where coming out hasn’t always been cool. I also cover some how to’s and what not to do’s for allies and colleagues.

If you want to talk about either session for your team, book a meeting here.