Stop Asking “How Are You?” Try This Instead.
I’ve stopped asking, “how are you?” It’s too easy to blow off. To make something up. To say something casual when everything is feeling too heavy. I know because I lie when people ask me how I am.
I never really thought about it until I decided to move into the van 2 years ago (you can read my book on that part of life here). People were excited for me and this great new adventure. They all wanted to know how cool it was.
The reality was not very cool. I know you follow that van lifer with a drone on YouTube that makes everything look majestic. It’s just not that pretty all the time. I just had to put on plastic gloves to empty waste water into a hole in the ground.
So, in an effort to not sound like a super negative asshole who was clearly living a very privileged life, I lied. “It’s incredible! So beautiful!” The reality is that there were many days I felt like I was sinking more than I was swimming. The exhaustion was real.
Then, I started dating a girl who is like, “don’t lie to me.” In her book, exaggeration counts. Between us, we were honest with each other about how we felt, what we thought was missing from the days, and how we wanted to make the next day better. It got me in this practice of being uncomfortably honest with a lot more people in my life, not just her.
It probably helped that after living in a van for awhile my filter was off. I found myself almost getting annoyed by people when they’d just say “good” or not share any details. So, I decided to stop asking anyone how they were doing. I don’t really care for casual conversations.
Instead, when I ask people how they are now, I ask on a rating scale. On a scale of 1 to 10, how are you? 10 being the best day of your life and 1 being the worst. Give me your number.
It’s fascinating how it changes the interaction. There’s no more casual “good” answers and interestingly, no one ever says “I’m a 5.” They tell me their number and give me at least one clue into what’s influencing it for the day. I’m a 6 because I started today with a walk. I’m a 4 because I just found out my Mom is sick. Whatever it is, I never get some bullshit answer.
So many of us, especially those of us socialized as women, were taught that we shouldn’t talk about hard things. Don’t be “too much.” Ultimately, it added up to this belief that how you’re really doing and the things that are influencing your life aren’t interesting conversations. That it’s better to be polite and lie than to be who you are, as you are, today.
I think that’s bullshit.
Connection isn’t created through lies, even casual ones. If we want to build cultures that people want to work in, friendships that last a lifetime, a love that lasts, chosen family? Stop asking people how they’re doing and give them something to think about. A real question to answer. A chance to tell you how they really are.
Kat Kibben View All →
Kat Kibben [they/them] is a keynote speaker, writing expert, and LGBTQIA+ advocate who teaches hiring teams how to write inclusive job postings that will get the right person to apply faster.
Before founding Three Ears Media, Katrina was a CMO, Technical Copywriter, and Managing Editor for leading companies like Monster, Care.com, and Randstad Worldwide. With 15+ years of recruitment marketing and training experience, Katrina knows how to turn talented recruiting teams into talented writers who write for people, not about work.
Today, Katrina is frequently featured as an HR and recruiting expert in publications like The New York Times, Chicago Tribune, and Forbes. They’ve been named to numerous lists, including LinkedIn’s Top Voices in Job Search & Careers. When not speaking, writing, or training, you’ll find Katrina traveling the country in their van or spending some much needed downtime with the dogs that inspired the name Three Ears Media.