There’s an excellent quote that comes from the Dalai Lama: “When you talk, you are only repeating what you already know. But if you listen, you may learn something new.”
As a devotee of the Stephen R. Covey principles, I have great appreciation for this notion as it’s reflected in Covey's principle No. 5, “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”
Understanding and absorbing these teachings into our personal human interactions can help us connect with colleagues in the workplace.
Consider this: How many times have you been on a business call, and before you can finish your thought, the person abruptly interrupts you with a response? Or, you’re speaking with a business associate, and you know that they’re looking away from you as people walk by.
Many hear what the other person is saying, but rather than listening intently, they’re more concerned about what the dialog means to them. “How does this statement relate to my experience? How can I reply to bring myself into this story?”
All these scenarios can be out of alignment with being a good listener.
Further, this mental traffic means we’re not really listening, and we’re not aware of the present — where the current opportunities now exist. Besides it being somewhat discourteous, it negates a big part of discourse and conversation: listening. Sure, we may hear what the other person is saying to us, but are we listening? If we’re not interrupting, perhaps we’re focusing on our own agenda as our thoughts wander into the past or into the future instead of the present.
Learning the life skill of how to listen will teach us to be better colleagues, friends, relatives, partners and leaders.
We want to listen with empathy, intention and skill. In other words, we should take the time to truly understand the other person’s feeling and then we can respond. Seek first to understand and then to be understood. Doing so builds trust, value and win-win relationships.
I've previously explored the power of silence. Now let’s add to silence the focused listening skills that allow us to truly understand what the sender is relaying to us before we reply. Silence, coupled with focus, allows us to hear (I mean listen to) what is being said and to pick up on nonverbal cues — to understand what is meant in the communication. This takes effort, undivided attention and self-awareness. If you think about it, we’re taught how to write and how to speak, but who has taught us how to listen?
As a long-time mindfulness practitioner, I can say that learning how to listen takes practice and determination, as I too sometimes drift from the present and lose attention to the situation that confronts me. To maintain curiosity and attentive listening, we have to try and focus on our personal awareness.
So How Do We Become Better Listeners?
One way is through mindfulness, or what is known as mindful listening. We can use mindfulness to practice listening, and to learn how to be more empathetic, develop greater curiosity and gain more patience.
Using mindfulness to help us become better listeners and better communicators comes in two parts. First is preparing for a conversation, and second is using meditation at a separate time to strengthen our listening skills through training our presence.
Here are a few tips to help you become a better listener in a conversation or meeting.
1. Make sure distractions, such as cellphones or your radio, are removed from where the conversation will take place. And remove clutter, as it can take awareness from a positive environment for a conversation.
2. Set an intent before the meeting that you will be aware of focusing your attention on the other person, and you will listen emphatically.
3. Start the meeting with a moment of silence to tune into your awareness and focus and land in the present moment.
4. Ask curious questions in response to what was just said.
5. To help the other person feel that they’re being understood, and to help you stay in the present with patience, keep aware of your breath. Inhale for three beats; hold for three and exhale for three. Repeat three times. If you lose focus, return to your breath to stay calm and present during your conversation.
Seven Minutes Of Meditation
Outside of the meeting, I encourage engaging in a seven-minute daily meditation session. Start by closing your eyes and focusing on your breath as explained in step five. This will help bring you into the moment before your daily meditation practice. If you’d like, put on music that helps calm your nervous system.
If seven minutes of silence is hard for you, explore guided visualizations, body scans, apps and meditation music to help you get started. In short time, you’ll find what’s best for you, whether it’s meditation with calm sounds, mantras, guided meditation, visualization or pure silence.
Closing Thoughts
By using meditation, we can train ourselves to become better and more conscious listeners, and thereby better leaders, relatives, colleagues and world citizens, simply by being more aware of the present moment.
We don’t have to read a lot of books and spend a lot of time studying how to become true listeners. All it takes is awareness of the tools and practices as mentioned. There’s great power in being an attentive and emphatic listener.
As expressed by Rasmus Hougaard and Jacqueline Carter, “If you aspire to be a great leader, be present.”
I know from experience that training your presence can lead to greater outcomes in business and in life and can bring you a deeper sense of happiness. And being a great listener can help us build stronger, more trustworthy relationships with people in the world around us.
