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Emotional Intelligence, Part 2: The Steps Every Leader Can Take To Improve

Forbes Human Resources Council

Melissa Banek is Head of HR at IMC Trading Chicago. She develops people, creates dynamic cultures and coaches leaders to reach their goals.

As I discussed in the first part of this series, emotional intelligence is an essential ingredient in any leader’s recipe for success. Without emotional intelligence, leaders won’t be able to reach their full potential — and they can even block each of their team members from reaching their full potential.

Like many things in life, emotional intelligence is a skill people can build over time.

Consider a study published in 2019 that was conducted by researchers in Spain. The researchers selected 54 senior managers from a company in Europe and assigned a portion of them to a training program for emotional intelligence (EI). At the time, the researchers wrote that the findings “indicate that the training program resulted in improvements in many dimensions of the EI of senior managers.” And that wasn’t all. The researchers continued, “the longitudinal effects of EI training on senior managers’ emotional skills had maintained over time, whereas the corresponding effects on emotional understanding and emotion management had strengthened at one-year follow up.”

Quality training works, but there are also steps people can take on their own to become more emotionally intelligent. As a human resources professional, I’ve observed various leaders over the years and have come up with seven steps anyone at any organization, manager or not, can use to improve their emotional intelligence.

1. Acknowledge How You Feel

It’s a cliché example, but bear with me. There’s a reason why the flight crew tells you that in the event of an emergency, you should put on your own oxygen mask first before helping anyone else. It’s a similar deal with emotional intelligence. You can’t start to read and understand what others are feeling until you can read and understand your own feelings.

According to psychologist Rachel Allyn, emotions “originate as sensations in the body. Feelings are influenced by our emotions but are generated from our mental thoughts.” Another psychologist, Leon F. Seltzer, explains that there are different reasons why you sometimes may not understand the feelings you’re experiencing to begin with.

I encourage you to sit down and uncover what it is exactly that you’re feeling. Then, acknowledge it. Once you become more in tune with your feelings, you’ll be more in tune with the feelings and emotions of those around you.

2. Pay Attention To How You Behave

Of course, acknowledging your feelings isn’t enough. Your self-awareness should include how you act as well. Pay attention to how you interact with others. You can even go a step further and get someone you trust to observe you and truthfully report back on how you’re doing.

What you learn might surprise you. Maybe you tend to raise your voice at your direct reports when they ask repeat questions, or you frequently stare off into space during meetings. With this knowledge about your behavior, you can start to turn things around for the better.

3. Aim To Respond Rather Than React

Responding and reacting might seem like synonyms, but they aren’t. Psychologist Jim Taylor breaks it down like this: when you react to something, “you are taking action back at someone or something.” But when you respond to something, “you are answering back to someone or something, usually in words.”

In professional settings and your personal life, strive to respond instead of react. For instance, instead of reacting by yelling at your direct reports when they ask repeat questions, respond to them by calmly re-explaining instructions. Even if you find it tedious and think they’re asking those repeat questions because they aren’t grasping your directions, put yourself in their shoes—at the end of the day, they just want to make sure they’re doing a good job.

4. Empathize With Yourself And Others

The example above about putting yourself in the shoes of those direct reports is all about empathizing. Make empathizing with yourself and others a priority every day.

For instance, say you and your team make a mistake on a project. Instead of blaming yourself and your team, try to understand what went wrong, why it went wrong and what you can all do better next time.

5. Practice Gratitude

There’s a link between gratitude and emotional intelligence. According to studies run by researchers at the University of Kentucky, people who are grateful are kinder and not as aggressive and sensitive.

Consider practicing gratitude often, be it once a day or a few times a week. You can wake up and spend one minute thinking about what you’re grateful for in your life, get a gratitude journal or have “gratitude” conversations with a friend, a colleague or even your team (where you exchange with each other what you give thanks for).

6. Look To People You Admire For Inspiration

Think about the people in your professional and personal life who model great emotional intelligence. For example, maybe there’s an executive at your company who is great at conflict resolution, or you have a neighbor who’s a great communicator. You can learn something from them, even if you don’t directly ask them for advice. For instance, by observing that executive at your company who has a knack for resolving conflicts, you might take away that it’s important to acknowledge the feelings and emotions of all parties involved in a dispute.

If you read an article or watch a news segment that highlights a company leader who has great emotional intelligence, think about how you can apply those lessons to your own life.

7. Recognize That Emotional Intelligence Is A Lifetime Process

As much as we might wish otherwise, emotional intelligence is not something we can learn in one day and be done with. It’s a skill that takes a lifetime to develop.

By recognizing that emotional intelligence is a lifetime process, you can be proactive about becoming more emotionally intelligent. You’ll be more likely to regularly practice the steps in this article and perhaps even take additional action by signing up for coaching or a course. And ultimately, by working on your emotional intelligence daily, you’ll be creating a better, healthier life for yourself—and everyone around you.


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